It’s a small word, Aunty! But I take it very seriously! In Hindi, it may mean chachi or Fufi, but in my dictionary, it means a woman above 40 years of age, mother of at least two children, one or two greying locks and a physique of 40-50-40! Now according to this definition, I cannot be called an aunty! Look, I am less than 40, I have recently got married, so there is no question of having children, then my body figure is such that I am thinner than the new-age heroine Katrina and thinner than the yester years comedian Tuntun!

Even when I was not able to live up to so many criteria, that vegetable seller called me aunty without thinking! Shame on such a stupid and disinterested vegetable seller who called a 21-year-old girl with a slim body and a beautiful girl an aunty! Doesn’t he know the meaning of aunty? Are there no ladies in his family whom he can call Aunty? Is he an opponent of women’s respect, who wants to insult me by calling me aunty? Does he have any enmity with the women’s group? Has he not seen the form of women like Urvashi, Tilottama, Shakuntala etc.? Was he jealous after seeing my fair complexion? Apartheid from somewhere!

Now I may be a little dark but my face is attractive! It is a different matter that I apply a little Fair and Bubbly cream on my face and apply a little LikeMe powder and thick red lipstick from one end of my lips to the other to always keep a smile on my face. Even if a smile is not visible in my eyes, I definitely apply mascara! I also wear mod-shot clothes – not salwar suits and sarees like the aunties! My clothes are a teenage girl’s size. Still, he called me aunty, I want to tell that vegetable vendor clearly – No matter what you call me, neither am I an aunty nor do I live like aunties nor will I become one in the future!

Actually, why am I writing so much? Because I have set a self-written definition of the word aunty. I want to tell that vegetable vendor that in future if he calls me aunty even by mistake, it will not be good for him!

It so happened that I had gone to buy vegetables at 7 AM in the morning. I took one kilo of potatoes, two pounds of onions and a pound of tomatoes! Because my newly-wed husband can only earn so much I could only buy so many vegetables with it! Probably, somehow the vegetable vendor must have known that my husband’s income is low. Out going means expenses more than income! Then oops! On top of this, this backbreaking inflation! The rate of any vegetable is not less than Rs 20 per kg! Cashews are cheaper than this!

You might be shocked. Well, just calculate, you bought one kilo of potatoes for 20 rupees! How many potatoes you will get? These are 3-4 or a maximum of five! But if you bought cashews worth Rs 1000, how many pieces would you get if you bought cashews worth Rs 20? These are some 8-10! So how was my mathematics? Isn’t the calculation good? Am I good at calculations? Mind-blowing!

So how can anyone call a girl like me who is so intelligent and adept at calculations, an aunty?

That mistake of the vegetable vendor has become a noose around my neck. It may not have taken him two seconds to call me Aunty, but I’ve taken it to heart! I am very heartbroken! I am so upset that I am thinking of talking to a lawyer! Perhaps he will be able to recover the loss of my reputation caused by calling me aunty, not aunty in public and insulting me, through a case and the court may award me Rs 15-20 lakh as compensation!

Now I am dreaming that if I get those 15-20 lakh rupees, then how will I live comfortably? My husband will no longer have to stand there wagging his tail in front of his boss! We both will then take a 6 x 6 bed and sleep peacefully on it! Will keep one or two maids!

In the code of conduct that I will issue for the maids, the first rule will be that they will not call me Aunty even by mistake! If they call me Aunty by mistake, then first of all I will fire them by giving them only two days’ wages and then look for more well-mannered, educated and understanding maids!

That evil vegetable seller will not be able to hire a lawyer! As soon as I send him a notice, he might get nervous! He started trembling with fear, maybe he would come to my house to apologize! I am not going to melt down because of his apology! I am not some kulfi or ice cream that can melt with the slightest apology! I will tell him that I am no less than Lakshmi bai! She had taken on the British, I can take on a vegetable seller like you, a fan of English, what can I do on vegetables?

I am calling him an English lover because he used the English word aunty against me! The spoon of the British! Speaks vocabulary learned from the British! If you had said ‘sister’, ‘didi’, what would have happened to you? I will also appeal to the Human Rights Commission against you for calling me Aunty, ignoring all the good and respectful words for women in Indian traditions! I will break brick by brick! I will appeal to the pioneers of women’s empowerment to get me justice!

I will find a doctor who can heal my wounds and who can quickly heal the wound that I have got because of that vegetable seller calling me Aunty! Is there any medicine to heal this wound or not? I just searched Google Baba on my Android phone and found out!

Not only this but when my husband returns home from the office in the evening tired, I will first offer him a cup of tea! I will also give him a couple of biscuits! Then I will ask lovingly, do I look like an aunty? If he says no, then I will become Durga in person and will complain so fiercely about that vegetable seller that my husband’s blood will boil! I will then be a direct witness to how much trouble they can create for me with this boiling blood!

While I was lost in these thoughts, I got a call from my husband’s office saying that he had to go to Timbuktu on an official tour. As soon as his call came, I again went to buy vegetables from the same vegetable vendor. What should I do now? This is the only vegetable seller within a radius of two kilometres from my house, I will have to go! No matter how bitter the heart may be, we will have to make do with it!

Now I have picked up the bag. I have reached the same vegetable seller to buy vegetables! I am full of rage! Every pore of my being is burning with anger! I am thinking that if that vegetable seller calls me Aunty again, I will throw this bag and hit him in the face! Suppressing all my emotions, I said – Brother! Give one kilo of ladies finger!

I couldn’t believe what the vegetable seller said after hearing this! The word which my ears were anxious to hear, came out of her mouth at that very moment – Didi! I will give it now!

Did you hear? He called me sister! You have kept the shame of me calling him brother! Now I remember – I called him uncle in the morning! I said – Uncle! Please give me one kilo of potatoes, two pounds of onion and a pound of tomato! That’s why he called me Aunty! Uff! I cursed him uselessly! My behavior is what he is giving back to me! I have been inspired by his tit-for-tat attitude – If you sow an acacia tree, where will you eat the mangoes?

If you need sweet words while addressing someone, then use the right words! The listener is happy, and the speaker is also happy! 

( Imaginary story )